Why You Need Something That Isn't Work or Your Problems

You need a third thing

For a good stretch of the last couple of years, my head only had room for two things: work, and the divorce. That was it. Every spare bit of mental energy went to one or the other. I'd be sat with my daughter and still half-thinking about a solicitor's email. I'd be in a meeting and still turning over something from the night before.

What actually shifted that wasn't therapy, or time, or telling myself to switch off. It was joining in properly with my running club and signing up for my first marathon. Suddenly there was a third thing in my head, and it turned out that mattered a lot more than I expected.

It's not really about the hobby itself

I don't think it matters much whether it's running, five-a-side, painting, or fixing up an old motorbike in the garage. The specific hobby isn't the point. What matters is that it's something that asks enough of your attention that the other stuff can't fit in at the same time.

Running works for this in a way I didn't expect. You can't really think about a custody arrangement while you're four miles into a long run trying not to trip on a curb. Your body's asking too many questions of you right then: pace, breathing, how your knees feel, whether you went off too fast. There isn't spare capacity left for the divorce. For that hour, it's just not in the room.

The club mattered more than the miles

I could have just run on my own, and for a while I did. But training with Sunderland Strollers changed things in a way solo running never did. Turning up on a Tuesday night, running alongside people who ask how your week's gone and actually want an answer, not out of politeness but because that's what training partners do. Nobody there was treating me differently because of what I was going through. I was just another runner working towards Loch Ness.

That normality was worth more than I realised at the time. Most of my week involved being managed carefully by people who knew about the divorce, or managing a team where I couldn't let it show. Running club was neither of those. It was just running.

What I'd have missed without it

If I'd stayed heads-down on just work and the divorce, I think I'd have come out the other side of both a worse version of myself. Burnt out from one, embittered by the other, with nothing to show for the year except getting through it. Training for the marathon meant I finished this stretch of my life having also learned something, built something, got fitter, made friends. That's not nothing.

There's also a knock-on effect I didn't plan for. Running gave me something to talk about with Lola that has nothing to do with any of the difficult stuff going on around her. She knows Dad's training for a big race. That's a much better thing for a five-year-old to know about her dad than the alternative.

Find the thing, then actually commit to it

If you're in a period where two things are eating all your headspace, my honest advice is to find a third thing and treat it like it matters, not like a nice-to-have you'll get to once the other stuff calms down. Sign up for the race. Join the club. Book the class. Put money down if that's what it takes to make you show up.

It won't fix the work problem or the divorce. It's not supposed to. What it does is give your brain somewhere else to go, and give you evidence, week by week, that you're still capable of building something good while the hard stuff is still going on around you.